More shame than glory

Will it be everything I feared it would?

After accepting this, my first paid theatre role, and signing the contract it suddenly dawned on me that I may have opened the door to a whole world of shame... and little or no glory. The contract surely couldn't have any real legal hold on me. We hadn't started rehearsing and I wouldn't be taken to court over something as trifling as this. But it did bind me morally. It was too late to change my mind now.

"You make your bed, you have to lie in it", my Dad declared apologetically when I told him of my fears. My fears of ridicule - paying audiences and reviewers watching me churn out cheap gags and camp innuendos.

My cheeks redden with embarrassment thinking about it.

Why did I accept this? There's many others who would have happily filled the role saying, "it's your first offer of paid theatre, how could you turn it down"... well, the answer is I couldn't. Not because of the money, but because I felt I should. Swept along by the excitement of winning a paid theatre role, I failed utterly to listen to myself screaming "Don't do it, they'll be something else around the corner"

But would there be? Maybe not immediately, but wouldn't waiting be better than prostituting myself for a show I don't believe in. A show that my parents, my friends, even distant acquaintances are going to pay to see.

Maybe it won't be as bad as I imagine. Maybe we might manage to find some kind of truth in this vainly concealed pantomime. But with one week's rehearsals down and only one left to go, I still feel lost.

Yet the director is delighted. For him all is going to plan.

I suppose it's all a matter of taste. If only it were to mine.